headlights burn like coal.

Headlights literally burn like coal. I don't know if I will look back on all those things that I am convinced I felt after just one moment & throw them to the wayside. If one day I will have some supreme epiphany where I realize that I wasn't feeling any of those thing. Maybe they would've faded out by themselves had we filled the potential I am still convinced we had. Maybe all would've been right in the world. People could pinpoint it as something less than real, but if you were there, you wouldn't question it. I was naive & young. Summer was calling my name, but that will never be an excuse because I still think about it. It doesn't consume my thoughts but after such a long time I do feel like it shouldn't be still lingering, with the ashes of memories surrounding it. I've come to a comfortable conclusion that I got a glimpse of something so insane that it couldn't of been a real possibility. Stars were aligned for a while, but it wouldn't be fair to hold onto that forever I guess. No one is really that lucky. I could only hope that I would've been. I could only learn from it & hold onto it next time I catch a glimpse of that feeling again. I've felt others, I've held onto others but it will always be the truth that I let go of the really magnificent thing. I have yet to see that blind adoration again. To feel butterflies every single time I even thought about it. The color flushes to my cheeks & I stammer out my sentences. I guess the truth is that people change, and the magnificence isn't even there for me to try and hold close again. The magic has escaped, and neither of us would ever be the same anyways. All this thinking really gets me nowhere but I must admit that it still sits in the bottom of my stomach and floats in the clouds of my brain and the endorphins flow when I remember looking up at you. Is this something I hold onto? No, it's a memory that I keep close. I've let go of it. I do love my memories though.

i'm at my best when i'm at my worst.

So, veganism has definitely brought me to a whole new & inspiring level of cooking. Last night I made an eggplant vegan lasagna, with a little inspiration from Seth. I kind of took my own take on it, and literally could not tell that there was not any cheese in it. It honestly tasted better than I could even imagine it tasting. I do think next time after I dip the eggplant into the mustard/yeast/corn meal(bread crumbs aren't vegan)/water mixture I should fry it before putting it in the lasagna. I believe my next adventure for the weekend will be pad thai & a pesto "baked ziti" kind of thing. Mmmmm, I need someone to share all these cooking adventures with!

Anywho, it is Friday which can only be a good thing! Among weekend plans are, going to Samantha's house to visit Alex's parents with Hannah. After an after-noon workout, obviously. Who knows after that. Tomorrow is Scott Wells birthday & the Borasca show. I'm excited to see them play since it's been so long since the last time! I am always looking forward to weekends. I think it's time I spend time with my one & only...

Most importantly,

Only one week till my sleeve is done!

We couldn't use computers anymore.

So, I lost 2 pounds this week. (A total of 4 in two weeks)

You may not care...

but, I'm juss' saying!

:)

Now, I need some good vegan recipes & someone who wants to make them with me.

tear the dream from sleep.

I can honestly say that I have not been happier than I am right now for about a year's time. I am fully trying to make every aspect of my life the most desirable for me, I am trying my best. I am going above & beyond my best, actually. I know I can motivate myself & push myself farther than I could even imagine. Why not, right? I am fully capable of doing so, so I should go for it. I know this is a bunch of cheesy stuff, and I can't blame any potential gazer for discontinuing reading this post. The fact is, though: I am really happy & I don't see that going away anytime soon.

I have decided to go vegan for 30 days. To anyone who isn't vegetarian or vegan, this may not seem like a big deal or it may even seem like a very silly decision to make...but, I feel like it's completely necessary for me right now. I am working out five days a week, doing physical activity (walking, hiking, biking, etc) the other two. I am making a huge effort to change the thing about me that I haven't always put 100% into...my health. I am excited, I really want to see how far I can take this little excursion. So far, no cheese cravings out of the blue. I will admit, seeing a jar of homemade vodka sauce made my Jason's mama kind of hits my brain the wrong way...but I think I am going to make it just fine.

In other news, I am done with this semester. Spring Fever has hit me hard and all I really want to do is be out in the open air (preferably in St.George), running around, sweating, and soaking up the sun. Alas, I have 27 ACTUAL school days left, with about a month and a half till finals. I know that these last few weeks are going to involve me completely dedicating all free time & some not so free time to school. I won't lie, I got a D on an American Civ midterm which was mildly defeating. I have never scored anything below a B on a test, or as a final grade. This kind of has me a bit shaken up, not to mention upset and embarrassed. My teacher does expect a lot, and it really is out of hand but I am left with no choice but to spite his sorry ass, and grab at least a B out of his class. Good0-Bye, Social life.

And, I want to just take a second to reflect on something that has brought me to where I am today. This is going to sound cheesy, but the deaths of Alex Edam and & Anthony Porcelli are definitely responsible for bringing me to where I am today. When I found out Alex was gone, it was 4 days before my 21st birthday. Life didn't really seem like something I should be celebrating at the time but I made the best of it, then Antwon died about a week after my birthday. I felt like Anthony left and took all my memories with him. I felt sick, and I couldn't think about anything except for why. I've had to move past that and realize, I will never fucking know why. He did what he did, and I have to cultivate positive from it no matter what. I obviously would never wish for either of these boys to be where they are, but all I can do is try to extract positive from this situation and live in a way that will make me as happy as possible. They have motivated me to change the things about me that (in my opinion), needed to be changed. Every single sweet thing every person had to say about Alex at his funeral was true. He was such an amazing person, and he inspired me to be the same. Spread the love, it's hippy but I love it. I have made a very conscience effort to change how I choose my words, what I do say, and who I say it to. I love my friends and I never want them to think anything different. I want to be a positive person in their lives and vice versa. This, unfortunately has meant that some 'friends' that were less than up to par had to go. I can't have negative, gossipy, angry people around who aren't making a conscience effort to be something better. Luckily, I am not upset with these people. I have accepted them for what they are but chosen not to surround myself with negative. This has definitely allowed me to be more positive to those who I do spend my time with, and I love it! I love my friends for every single thing that they are. Also, just because I am going to start being nicer and more conscience...doesn't mean that you should think that the old me is gone. I won't lie, I'm still sarcastic at times. :)

I get my tattoo finished the first weekend of April! I couldn't be more excited for that terrible week long itch on my arm. Syke! I am really excited to have it done, though. I also can't wait to run around St.George and terrorize the city. It will be a nice break for me. Now, now, now...I just need to find someone who wants to take a mini adventure!

Last but not least, I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!

And, I MISS BARBENLY "BABY VEGAS" BARETTA...

<3

Porno Disaster.

I want to make you real, I want to make you feel!

This summer is going to be epic, and there is nothing that will hold me back from that.

I will make this life of mine real.

I will visit the California coast, I will bask in the ocean, I will visit Mickey Mouse. I will venture around nature, I will breath in the air!

I will see Oregon, I will evaluate if I can live there.

I will go to Sasquatch, I will fall in love with every unshowered boy that I come across, I will dance my heart out.

I will go to Denver, I will remember every good thing that's ever happened there. I will see all those friends that I miss.

I will ride my bike around this Fish Bowl and I will do everything in my power to keep a smile on my face, and freckles on my nose.

I'm excited for life, and no one can take that away.